It's understandable that infidelity is a sensitive and difficult topic to discuss. Many theories suggest that talking about it and sharing details may not be helpful, but according to the Gottmans, openly addressing the situation can lead to better healing and help more relationships stay intact.
As a Gottman therapist working with me, there will be a plan of action and structure to ensure healing.
It's important to acknowledge that infidelity has a significant impact on your relationship, with around 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women estimated to have an extramarital affair. For many women, emotional cheating and involvement with pornography are perceived as betrayals. On the other hand, men may minimize these unless physical intercourse is involved. The Gottmans' research emphasizes that online "infidelity" often transitions to in-person cheating, sometimes with a different individual.
In the initial phase of healing your relationship after an affair, it's important to focus on honesty and processing the betrayal and partner's emotions. Rebuilding trust and understanding the reasons for the affair are crucial. It typically takes 1-2 years, with sessions gradually decreasing in frequency.
If you are the betrayed partner you may have mixed emotions and trying to make sense of the situation. You may feel insecure and angry and want to be close one moment and distant the next. It's important to acknowledge your right to make choices about the relationship. You may also feel inadequate and angry, but it's important to communicate that holding on to anger for too long may harm the relationship.
If you are the individual who stepped out of the relationship, you will need to end the relationship and inform this outside individual that you are committed to working on your marriage. Some couples prefer to do this together over the phone or in a written joint statement. You should also agree that if the affair partner contacts you again, you will inform your spouse.
The focus is on affair recovery and not just general marriage counseling. There are three phases to healing, and having a therapist walk through the healing process with both of you can help you stay on track. Because an affair affects trust, recovering from an affair can feel so damaging. I will walk you through each phase of healing your relationship.
